Bob O'Luney plays an unrecognizable tune at this weekends Family Fair. Onlookers walk by trying to avoid eye contact.

One-man Band Fails To Reach Top 40, Again
by Patrick Kirk Gillock

Chesterville, WA - After thirty years performing as a One-man Band, Rob O'Luney has never had a Top 40 album, single, or even a song with a catchy rhythm. Rob explained, "The Kazoo Song was pretty popular a few years back, but then the grunge scene took over and everything was Nirvana this! And Seattle that! I can't compete with Pearl Jam... I'm only one man for Christ's sake!"

Surprisingly, with over 28 instruments within reach, Rob has never been professionally trained on any of them. His list of instruments include a cow bell, whistle, washing board, bass drum, and much, much more. This year Rob introduced Salad Tongs into his act, as a way to "spice things up a bit."

"I just don't get it." said onlooker Peter Benson. "Is he trying to be more efficient than a normal sized band? Honestly, I think he's just showing off. Plus, that's not music. It sounds like he's making it up as he goes."

Rob's wife, Glenda, met him when he serenaded her with a 30 minute version of Lynyrd Skynyrd's Freebird. Glenda said, "I admit it wasn't love at first sight... Or first sound for that matter. (laugh) But after a while Rob kind of grows on you. We're really in tune with each other now. He really is a genius. I'd like to see one of the Backstreet Boys play the bass drum, harmonica, cymbals, and cow bell, all at once."

John Pierce, Director of Parks and Public Affairs, said "A few times we've had to escort him out of a park for refusing to stop his 47 minute homage to Iron Butterfly." He went on to say, "There's a local street artist, who makes religious portraits out of dog feces. Heck, even he's received fewer complaints."

Despite the complaints, Rob O'Luney says, "I will keep on rocking, jazzing, ragtiming, and boogie woogieing. Foghat Rules!"

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