They're old, friendly, smell like caramel, and they're going to take over the world.

Old People Keep Getting Older
by Patrick Kirk Gillock

Chesterville, WA - With the average lifespan increasing to unreasonable levels, society is at a standstill on what to do with the elderly. "We can't have them just walking around and feeding pigeons all day." said Lori Filmore, President of Senior Citizens Must Go.

She went on to say, "The problem with an ever increasing lifespan is the fact that retirement still remains at 65. That means we have retirees roaming around, with nothing to do, for twenty, thirty, and possibly even fifty years. It doesn't take a genius to figure out they'll eventually get bored playing checkers walking the malls, and asking their grand kids if they're Courtin' pretty heavy? I mean, eventually they'll want to go back to work, start hanging out at clubs, or even worse, be part of society again. We must stop this now before the old out number the young!"

To get the other side of the story we decided to do a poll with individuals eighty years and older. Our survey showed the following:

7% - Thought the young had nothing to fear.
13% - Thought it was ridiculous, but was not sure what "it" was.
18% - Thought Matlock was about to come on.
62% - Wanted to know if I was "Courtin' pretty heavy?"

* Poll has an accuracy of "very little".

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